Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
