the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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