She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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