Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
