Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I want to make a zoo with you.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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