I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
