..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
