Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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