someone threw a dead crab at me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
