She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
