Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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