I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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