Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
