dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
