Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
