I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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