Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
