Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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