david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
