There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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