dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
