I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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