Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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