Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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