she woke up with a sticky ear
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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