Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
