community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
the liver wants what the liver wants
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
