I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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