im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
