Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
