I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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