Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize