I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Farmville is her only friend.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
