thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
