you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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