I wish I could teleport
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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