I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
