Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
