You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
