I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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