Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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