Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
