I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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