mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
