I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize