i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
