I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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