It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
