I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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