The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize