So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
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