the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
