What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
