his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
