zippers are such a cool invention
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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