I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
