I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
