If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
