I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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