wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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