I faked an abortion last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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