I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Soap is not a condiment
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize