dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
