Are we in a gay sports bar?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
