I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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