I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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