I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
