if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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