The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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