I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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