you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
