My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just high enough for therapy.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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