I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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