quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Also, beer. Big fan.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize