I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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