Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
