Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
