party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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