i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i think my mom watched the whole time
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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