im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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