Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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