All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
