i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
My liver just had a heart attack.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
